Events

I’ve attended many “evenings of recollection” over the years given by a wonderful priest, Fr. Joe. Famous for his witty one-liners, a few have stuck with me. Among his favorite topics when speaking to an audience of men is what he calls “Custody of the eyes.” He’ll give the example of a pretty young woman jogging down the street towards us. “Where are your eyes?” he roars. Lowered heads acknowledge the problem. It’s a real challenge. Men tend to be visual creatures. Is that true for you? If so, did it spontaneously change when you got married? I didn’t think so. So what’s a guy to do? If we want to honor our wives, we need to develop a discipline that begins in our minds. Seeing an attractive woman is not an issue. The problem is looking at her with lust in our hearts. Where are your eyes?

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus speaks to us about custody of our eyes. Matthew 5:27-28 says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Compare this to our secular culture. Have you ever heard a guy say, “I can look at the menu anywhere, so long as I eat at home?” In other words, it’s okay to lust after other women so long as you don’t cheat on your wife. Wrong! According to Jesus, you already have. Instead, try redirection. For a married guy, that means seeing an attractive woman and taking that as a signal to think of your wife instead. Focus on her, not others. Take a good look at your wife today. She is worthy of your loving gaze; that’s where your eyes belong.

Is your marriage worth protecting? I’ve seen too many workplace relationships begin with friendship but proceed to a disordered emotional intimacy. If it’s not stopped in time, it’s a slippery slope downhill... and all too often, it results in the disintegration of a marriage and family. That’s why, years ago, I decided to avoid things like complaining about my wife to female co-workers. I’m all for professional friendships with members of the opposite sex that are healthy and appropriate. Yet I have learned that one of the ways I can honor my wife is to protect our marriage. In other words, physical AND emotional intimacy are for her, and her alone. Our marriages are exclusive and worth protecting, especially when things aren’t going well. Let’s pray for one another.

From time to time, adjustments are needed in the way we communicate with others. Years ago, when all eight of my kids lived at home, there was a lot of bickering going on within the family. Verbal jabs and sarcastic comments had somehow become routine forms of communication. But wait, I thought. We’re a family. We love one another. We can do better than this. The solution? Every night after dinner, we began to go around the table and each of us would identify at least one thing we were grateful for that day relating to another family member. Men, we can do the same thing with our wives. By cultivating an attitude of gratitude, we get better at ensuring that our wives are held in the proper esteem. After all, they’re among the greatest gifts God has given us in our lives. Let’s pray for one another.

I’ve watched friends and family members who have lost their wives struggle to cope with this devastating loss. It’s as if they’ve had part of their bodies amputated, and their grief is palpable. In the throes of this excruciating experience, I recall an uncle encouraging me to treasure the time I have with my wife, admonishing me to “tell her you love her constantly.” Have you ever noticed that when we focus on what we don’t have, it breeds misery, and conversely, appreciating what we do have makes us happy? This discipline of striving for gratitude towards our wives actually helps our own well-being. Personally, I consider my wife to be an incredible treasure and gift. Consider setting an alarm once a day, and when it goes off, intentionally think of just one reason that you’re grateful for your wife. Then tell her.

My wife got run off the road a while back. Some guy didn’t like the fact that Kathi had slowed down to merge onto the highway behind a school bus, and literally forced her onto the berm so he could get past. He was so focused on achieving his objective, whatever it was, that he risked a serious accident. Reflecting on this incident, I was struck by the thought that the same could be true if we men develop a disordered dedication to work. That might sound crazy, but how many people do you know who are divorced partly because of ridiculous work schedules? We all go through challenging times in our careers, and it’s not always possible to maintain a healthy balance. However, if work is consistently prioritized above your wife’s needs, it’s a matter for prayer and reflection. Let’s pray for one another.

Early in my career, I worked ridiculous hours. My schedule at the CPA firm was grueling, and our first three kids came along in two years and eight months. After our daughter was born, it became clear that the work-family balance thing wasn’t working. That’s when we hit a wall, and Kathi said, “It’s either the job or me.” I chose her, and changed jobs. Now, I’m crazy about my wife. But it didn’t feel like that to her. I wasn’t spending enough time at home to be the husband she needed. Now, changing jobs isn’t always the right answer. But it was the right decision for us at that time. Set aside one-on-one time for your wife on a regular basis, and make sure you pay attention to her needs. Listen without problem solving, give her emotional support, and provide genuine affection. She’s worth it.

I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation just outside my office. “Yeah, I’m not sure whether I want another baby. One day I think yes, the next day not so much.” A female co-worker was speaking with a couple other colleagues who stood nearby, nodding sympathetically. Exiting my office, I smiled at the group, and they immediately burst out laughing. They probably figured that I had an opinion on the subject. In a secular workplace, I’m something of a curiosity. After all, why anyone would want eight kids? Of course, each couple needs to pray and discern this important subject, and it's a conversation worth having. In my personal experience, and now as a grandparent, there are few things as precious and valuable as my family. Every child and grandchild is an incredible blessing.

We live in a culture that isn’t always supportive of men honoring their wives. When’s the last time you were part of a group of guys speaking positively about their wives? In the office, the gym, the locker room? TV or social media? Not so much. Unfortunately, many husbands today have become mired in our culture’s downfalls. Challenges abound, including impurity, broken relationships, loneliness and distraction. So why even try? Because even with our imperfect efforts, I’m convinced that there’s a ripple effect that goes way beyond our own marriages. We’ll impact other souls, including those of our kids. Small changes—and a little grace—can yield big results. Our faith provides the antidote to the challenges we face, so let’s be counter-cultural, and honor our wives every chance we get.

The first time I saw my wife Kathi was in college, from the other side of a crowded room. I remember her sparkling eyes, and the smile on her face as she talked and joked with friends. I was utterly transfixed. “Wow!” I thought. “She’s beautiful!” Part of the process of falling in love with a woman is coming to an appreciation of her gifts, which are so different from ours. What first attracted you to your wife? Often a physical attraction initially elicits our interest, but there’s more to her than that. What was it about her character, her personality, her intellect, that endures? What were her strengths that you admired? Take some time today to remember those qualities about your wife that you couldn’t bear to live without. I’ll bet they’re still present, and that she wouldn’t mind if you mentioned just one to her today.