Events

From time to time, adjustments are needed in the way we communicate with others. Years ago, when all eight of my kids lived at home, there was a lot of bickering going on within the family. Verbal jabs and sarcastic comments had somehow become routine forms of communication. But wait, I thought. We’re a family. We love one another. We can do better than this. The solution? Every night after dinner, we began to go around the table and each of us would identify at least one thing we were grateful for that day relating to another family member. Men, we can do the same thing with our wives. By cultivating an attitude of gratitude, we get better at ensuring that our wives are held in the proper esteem. After all, they’re among the greatest gifts God has given us in our lives. Let’s pray for one another.

I’ve watched friends and family members who have lost their wives struggle to cope with this devastating loss. It’s as if they’ve had part of their bodies amputated, and their grief is palpable. In the throes of this excruciating experience, I recall an uncle encouraging me to treasure the time I have with my wife, admonishing me to “tell her you love her constantly.” Have you ever noticed that when we focus on what we don’t have, it breeds misery, and conversely, appreciating what we do have makes us happy? This discipline of striving for gratitude towards our wives actually helps our own well-being. Personally, I consider my wife to be an incredible treasure and gift. Consider setting an alarm once a day, and when it goes off, intentionally think of just one reason that you’re grateful for your wife. Then tell her.

My wife got run off the road a while back. Some guy didn’t like the fact that Kathi had slowed down to merge onto the highway behind a school bus, and literally forced her onto the berm so he could get past. He was so focused on achieving his objective, whatever it was, that he risked a serious accident. Reflecting on this incident, I was struck by the thought that the same could be true if we men develop a disordered dedication to work. That might sound crazy, but how many people do you know who are divorced partly because of ridiculous work schedules? We all go through challenging times in our careers, and it’s not always possible to maintain a healthy balance. However, if work is consistently prioritized above your wife’s needs, it’s a matter for prayer and reflection. Let’s pray for one another.

Early in my career, I worked ridiculous hours. My schedule at the CPA firm was grueling, and our first three kids came along in two years and eight months. After our daughter was born, it became clear that the work-family balance thing wasn’t working. That’s when we hit a wall, and Kathi said, “It’s either the job or me.” I chose her, and changed jobs. Now, I’m crazy about my wife. But it didn’t feel like that to her. I wasn’t spending enough time at home to be the husband she needed. Now, changing jobs isn’t always the right answer. But it was the right decision for us at that time. Set aside one-on-one time for your wife on a regular basis, and make sure you pay attention to her needs. Listen without problem solving, give her emotional support, and provide genuine affection. She’s worth it.

I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation just outside my office. “Yeah, I’m not sure whether I want another baby. One day I think yes, the next day not so much.” A female co-worker was speaking with a couple other colleagues who stood nearby, nodding sympathetically. Exiting my office, I smiled at the group, and they immediately burst out laughing. They probably figured that I had an opinion on the subject. In a secular workplace, I’m something of a curiosity. After all, why anyone would want eight kids? Of course, each couple needs to pray and discern this important subject, and it's a conversation worth having. In my personal experience, and now as a grandparent, there are few things as precious and valuable as my family. Every child and grandchild is an incredible blessing.

We live in a culture that isn’t always supportive of men honoring their wives. When’s the last time you were part of a group of guys speaking positively about their wives? In the office, the gym, the locker room? TV or social media? Not so much. Unfortunately, many husbands today have become mired in our culture’s downfalls. Challenges abound, including impurity, broken relationships, loneliness and distraction. So why even try? Because even with our imperfect efforts, I’m convinced that there’s a ripple effect that goes way beyond our own marriages. We’ll impact other souls, including those of our kids. Small changes—and a little grace—can yield big results. Our faith provides the antidote to the challenges we face, so let’s be counter-cultural, and honor our wives every chance we get.

The first time I saw my wife Kathi was in college, from the other side of a crowded room. I remember her sparkling eyes, and the smile on her face as she talked and joked with friends. I was utterly transfixed. “Wow!” I thought. “She’s beautiful!” Part of the process of falling in love with a woman is coming to an appreciation of her gifts, which are so different from ours. What first attracted you to your wife? Often a physical attraction initially elicits our interest, but there’s more to her than that. What was it about her character, her personality, her intellect, that endures? What were her strengths that you admired? Take some time today to remember those qualities about your wife that you couldn’t bear to live without. I’ll bet they’re still present, and that she wouldn’t mind if you mentioned just one to her today.

My wife Kathi and I only have one daughter left at home, a teenager named Hannah who occasionally reminds us about important truths. She recently returned from Catholic Youth Summer Camp at Damascus, where she experienced intense joy in Eucharistic adoration. It was a great reminder for us that prayer is critical for teens, and for the vocation of marriage. A good marriage benefits our spouses, children, extended family, friends, and society. Part of my job as Kathi’s husband is to help her get to heaven and help both of us to grow in holiness and charity. What’s the most powerful way to do that? Relentless prayer. How’s your prayer life? We all need a plan in this area of our lives. Remember, prayer for your wife is utterly critical for a holy marriage, and the benefits are truly eternal.

We know that prayer is essential for a sacramental marriage to flourish. Here’s one approach that I like that I learned from the late Fr. Michael Scanlan, President of Franciscan University of Steubenville for many years. It’s based on the acronym ACTS. A is for Adoration (giving God glory for who He is). C is for Contrition (for example, being sorry for missing the mark in your marriage). T is for Thanksgiving (being thankful for your wife, even during tough times). S is for Supplication (prayers for your wife, for her needs, her healing, etc.) As you pray through each element, lift up your wife. Say a prayer for your wife right now. If you’re brave, make a firm resolution to pray for her daily. It can be as simple as “Lord, thank you for my precious wife.” But I’ll bet you can do even better than that.

As you probably know, there are seven deadly sins: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth. Are any of them a problem for you? If you’re not sure, ask your wife. She knows. This is what’s sometimes called a “predominant fault,” or area where we experience ongoing struggle. This doesn’t mean you’re a failure – just human. It’s so easy to see other people’s faults, but often harder to see our own. Yet by identifying our most pressing challenge, we can be clear about what’s necessary to overcome it. We often hesitate when it comes to making decisive changes in our lives, but we can’t let our own reluctance keep us in a place of bondage. In order to be the husbands our wives need, it’s imperative that we’re willing to change ourselves. Pray for the grace to identify your issue, and work on it.