Events

How do you speak about your wife at home? When one of my sons was a teenager, his relationship with Kathi was contentious at times. One night, I came home from work to a heated exchange between them. Kathi was crying, and my son was in a corner scowling. As it turned out, a disrespectful comment by my son to Kathi had rapidly escalated. “Come with me,” I told him. We spoke privately. “Honor mom,” I told him. “That’s your challenge. The circumstances don’t matter. If you think she’s wrong, it doesn’t matter. If you’re angry with her, it doesn’t matter. You still need to honor mom.” By the grace of God, the concept clicked with him. It also helped me to recognize my responsibility to set the right example, and to do my best to always honor my wife in our home. She deserves nothing less.

Some guys have a warped sense of leadership within marriage and the family. We sometimes think that as husband, we’re the final authority on everything, and that our wives owe us a duty of meek submission in all things, just because we’re the husband. Wives, submit to your husbands, some think. But this is a hopelessly misleading interpretation of Ephesians 5. Forget about your wife’s obligations. Let’s focus on ours. We’re responsible to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. Jesus never demands that we submit, and we shouldn’t either. The essence of authentic leadership is what St. John Paul II sometimes referred to as the “gift of self.” True authority is about sacrifice and dying to ourselves, and true leadership is about modeling our approach to marriage on Christ Himself. Let’s pray for one another.

I recently read a book called "The Obedience Paradox: Finding True Freedom in Marriage" by Mary Stanford. It’s fantastic! Among other things, the author absolutely nails a husband’s responsibility. Here’s a quote: “He lives his headship most authentically, then, when he possesses a disposition of responsibility and accountability for his family’s flourishing.” (pg. 104) I love that, and it rings true in my own experience. When Kathi and our children are doing great, it gives me a deep sense of satisfaction. However, when they’re struggling, I’m accountable and need to help as much as possible. Even when practical solutions are beyond my grasp, which happens more than I’d like, I have a deep sense of responsibility to pray. Remember, our model in is Jesus, who emptied himself even unto death.

Among the greatest regrets of my life is the amount of anger that was present in my family early on. Anger is often a learned reaction, and an attempt to manipulate others. It has characterized some of the most toxic arguments my wife and I have ever had. Years ago, a new perspective helped us make a change. Kathi heard a priest who said, “Anger is a funny emotion. It’s there as a reminder, right when we need to run to Jesus.” Have you ever struggled with anger, and hurt those you love as a result? I have, but partly through those mistakes, I have learned to banish anger towards my family and others. I’m still a work in process, but by grace I’ve come a long way. The anger that was all too common early in my marriage has largely evaporated. It can happen for you, too. Let’s pray for one another.

I’ve attended many “evenings of recollection” over the years given by a wonderful priest, Fr. Joe. Famous for his witty one-liners, a few have stuck with me. Among his favorite topics when speaking to an audience of men is what he calls “Custody of the eyes.” He’ll give the example of a pretty young woman jogging down the street towards us. “Where are your eyes?” he roars. Lowered heads acknowledge the problem. It’s a real challenge. Men tend to be visual creatures. Is that true for you? If so, did it spontaneously change when you got married? I didn’t think so. So what’s a guy to do? If we want to honor our wives, we need to develop a discipline that begins in our minds. Seeing an attractive woman is not an issue. The problem is looking at her with lust in our hearts. Where are your eyes?

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus speaks to us about custody of our eyes. Matthew 5:27-28 says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Compare this to our secular culture. Have you ever heard a guy say, “I can look at the menu anywhere, so long as I eat at home?” In other words, it’s okay to lust after other women so long as you don’t cheat on your wife. Wrong! According to Jesus, you already have. Instead, try redirection. For a married guy, that means seeing an attractive woman and taking that as a signal to think of your wife instead. Focus on her, not others. Take a good look at your wife today. She is worthy of your loving gaze; that’s where your eyes belong.

Is your marriage worth protecting? I’ve seen too many workplace relationships begin with friendship but proceed to a disordered emotional intimacy. If it’s not stopped in time, it’s a slippery slope downhill... and all too often, it results in the disintegration of a marriage and family. That’s why, years ago, I decided to avoid things like complaining about my wife to female co-workers. I’m all for professional friendships with members of the opposite sex that are healthy and appropriate. Yet I have learned that one of the ways I can honor my wife is to protect our marriage. In other words, physical AND emotional intimacy are for her, and her alone. Our marriages are exclusive and worth protecting, especially when things aren’t going well. Let’s pray for one another.

From time to time, adjustments are needed in the way we communicate with others. Years ago, when all eight of my kids lived at home, there was a lot of bickering going on within the family. Verbal jabs and sarcastic comments had somehow become routine forms of communication. But wait, I thought. We’re a family. We love one another. We can do better than this. The solution? Every night after dinner, we began to go around the table and each of us would identify at least one thing we were grateful for that day relating to another family member. Men, we can do the same thing with our wives. By cultivating an attitude of gratitude, we get better at ensuring that our wives are held in the proper esteem. After all, they’re among the greatest gifts God has given us in our lives. Let’s pray for one another.

I’ve watched friends and family members who have lost their wives struggle to cope with this devastating loss. It’s as if they’ve had part of their bodies amputated, and their grief is palpable. In the throes of this excruciating experience, I recall an uncle encouraging me to treasure the time I have with my wife, admonishing me to “tell her you love her constantly.” Have you ever noticed that when we focus on what we don’t have, it breeds misery, and conversely, appreciating what we do have makes us happy? This discipline of striving for gratitude towards our wives actually helps our own well-being. Personally, I consider my wife to be an incredible treasure and gift. Consider setting an alarm once a day, and when it goes off, intentionally think of just one reason that you’re grateful for your wife. Then tell her.

My wife got run off the road a while back. Some guy didn’t like the fact that Kathi had slowed down to merge onto the highway behind a school bus, and literally forced her onto the berm so he could get past. He was so focused on achieving his objective, whatever it was, that he risked a serious accident. Reflecting on this incident, I was struck by the thought that the same could be true if we men develop a disordered dedication to work. That might sound crazy, but how many people do you know who are divorced partly because of ridiculous work schedules? We all go through challenging times in our careers, and it’s not always possible to maintain a healthy balance. However, if work is consistently prioritized above your wife’s needs, it’s a matter for prayer and reflection. Let’s pray for one another.