Events

I read an article years ago suggesting that relationships are built up through respect and affection, and torn down by contempt. If, like me, your track record in this area is imperfect, you can change that, beginning today. Our words spring from the heart, so reflect on what’s happening in your interior life. Do you take pains to nurture affection towards your wife, even in the hard times? When Kathi and I have argued, we have come to see that it often results from a loss of perspective. Rather than focusing on the 99% of the person that we love and cherish, we’re instead focused on the 1% that’s harder to appreciate. When you speak with your wife today, build her up with respect and affection. Say please, thank you, and I love you at least once. As needed, tell her that you’re sorry. Repeat as necessary!

Do you want to know one of the most powerful evangelization tools available to men today? Speak positively about your wife at work. Can you imagine? It’s so completely countercultural, it’s shocking. The practice of men objectifying women is pervasive these days, so hearing any man describe his wife in positive terms is bound to raise eyebrows. It also provokes an unavoidable question: Why? Of course, we know why. Matrimony is a sacrament, an outward sign of inward grace that helps us to grow in holiness. It’s our primary vocation, and an indispensable part of our journey to heaven. Our wives are like the crown jewels of our lives. We freely chose to make a lifelong commitment to them, and they are worthy of being treasured. They are truly a source of wealth, joy, and blessings.

Do we speak positively about our wives in the workplace, or do we descend into despondent “ball and chain” narratives full of prideful self-pity? There are many benefits of speaking positively about our wives in the workplace, besides the public witness it provides. It also helps us. Speaking highly of our wives when they’re not around helps the seeds of affection and love to flourish in our hearts. It can be difficult if we’re going through the inevitable challenging times that all marriages face, yet in those circumstances it’s even more important to honor our wives and not allow our frustrations to guide our words. Resolve to make your workplace a wife-honoring zone. Decide today that your words from this time forward, will be positive... or you won’t say anything.

How do you speak about your wife at home? When one of my sons was a teenager, his relationship with Kathi was contentious at times. One night, I came home from work to a heated exchange between them. Kathi was crying, and my son was in a corner scowling. As it turned out, a disrespectful comment by my son to Kathi had rapidly escalated. “Come with me,” I told him. We spoke privately. “Honor mom,” I told him. “That’s your challenge. The circumstances don’t matter. If you think she’s wrong, it doesn’t matter. If you’re angry with her, it doesn’t matter. You still need to honor mom.” By the grace of God, the concept clicked with him. It also helped me to recognize my responsibility to set the right example, and to do my best to always honor my wife in our home. She deserves nothing less.

How do you speak about your wife at home? When one of my sons was a teenager, his relationship with Kathi was contentious at times. One night, I came home from work to a heated exchange between them. Kathi was crying, and my son was in a corner scowling. As it turned out, a disrespectful comment by my son to Kathi had rapidly escalated. “Come with me,” I told him. We spoke privately. “Honor mom,” I told him. “That’s your challenge. The circumstances don’t matter. If you think she’s wrong, it doesn’t matter. If you’re angry with her, it doesn’t matter. You still need to honor mom.” By the grace of God, the concept clicked with him. It also helped me to recognize my responsibility to set the right example, and to do my best to always honor my wife in our home. She deserves nothing less.

Some guys have a warped sense of leadership within marriage and the family. We sometimes think that as husband, we’re the final authority on everything, and that our wives owe us a duty of meek submission in all things, just because we’re the husband. Wives, submit to your husbands, some think. But this is a hopelessly misleading interpretation of Ephesians 5. Forget about your wife’s obligations. Let’s focus on ours. We’re responsible to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. Jesus never demands that we submit, and we shouldn’t either. The essence of authentic leadership is what St. John Paul II sometimes referred to as the “gift of self.” True authority is about sacrifice and dying to ourselves, and true leadership is about modeling our approach to marriage on Christ Himself. Let’s pray for one another.

I recently read a book called "The Obedience Paradox: Finding True Freedom in Marriage" by Mary Stanford. It’s fantastic! Among other things, the author absolutely nails a husband’s responsibility. Here’s a quote: “He lives his headship most authentically, then, when he possesses a disposition of responsibility and accountability for his family’s flourishing.” (pg. 104) I love that, and it rings true in my own experience. When Kathi and our children are doing great, it gives me a deep sense of satisfaction. However, when they’re struggling, I’m accountable and need to help as much as possible. Even when practical solutions are beyond my grasp, which happens more than I’d like, I have a deep sense of responsibility to pray. Remember, our model in is Jesus, who emptied himself even unto death.

Among the greatest regrets of my life is the amount of anger that was present in my family early on. Anger is often a learned reaction, and an attempt to manipulate others. It has characterized some of the most toxic arguments my wife and I have ever had. Years ago, a new perspective helped us make a change. Kathi heard a priest who said, “Anger is a funny emotion. It’s there as a reminder, right when we need to run to Jesus.” Have you ever struggled with anger, and hurt those you love as a result? I have, but partly through those mistakes, I have learned to banish anger towards my family and others. I’m still a work in process, but by grace I’ve come a long way. The anger that was all too common early in my marriage has largely evaporated. It can happen for you, too. Let’s pray for one another.

I’ve attended many “evenings of recollection” over the years given by a wonderful priest, Fr. Joe. Famous for his witty one-liners, a few have stuck with me. Among his favorite topics when speaking to an audience of men is what he calls “Custody of the eyes.” He’ll give the example of a pretty young woman jogging down the street towards us. “Where are your eyes?” he roars. Lowered heads acknowledge the problem. It’s a real challenge. Men tend to be visual creatures. Is that true for you? If so, did it spontaneously change when you got married? I didn’t think so. So what’s a guy to do? If we want to honor our wives, we need to develop a discipline that begins in our minds. Seeing an attractive woman is not an issue. The problem is looking at her with lust in our hearts. Where are your eyes?

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus speaks to us about custody of our eyes. Matthew 5:27-28 says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Compare this to our secular culture. Have you ever heard a guy say, “I can look at the menu anywhere, so long as I eat at home?” In other words, it’s okay to lust after other women so long as you don’t cheat on your wife. Wrong! According to Jesus, you already have. Instead, try redirection. For a married guy, that means seeing an attractive woman and taking that as a signal to think of your wife instead. Focus on her, not others. Take a good look at your wife today. She is worthy of your loving gaze; that’s where your eyes belong.