Events

The first time I saw my wife Kathi was in college, from the other side of a crowded room. I remember her sparkling eyes, and the smile on her face as she talked and joked with friends. I was utterly transfixed. “Wow!” I thought. “She’s beautiful!” Part of the process of falling in love with a woman is coming to an appreciation of her gifts, which are so different from ours. What first attracted you to your wife? Often a physical attraction initially elicits our interest, but there’s more to her than that. What was it about her character, her personality, her intellect, that endures? What were her strengths that you admired? Take some time today to remember those qualities about your wife that you couldn’t bear to live without. I’ll bet they’re still present, and that she wouldn’t mind if you mentioned just one to her today.

My wife Kathi and I only have one daughter left at home, a teenager named Hannah who occasionally reminds us about important truths. She recently returned from Catholic Youth Summer Camp at Damascus, where she experienced intense joy in Eucharistic adoration. It was a great reminder for us that prayer is critical for teens, and for the vocation of marriage. A good marriage benefits our spouses, children, extended family, friends, and society. Part of my job as Kathi’s husband is to help her get to heaven and help both of us to grow in holiness and charity. What’s the most powerful way to do that? Relentless prayer. How’s your prayer life? We all need a plan in this area of our lives. Remember, prayer for your wife is utterly critical for a holy marriage, and the benefits are truly eternal.

We know that prayer is essential for a sacramental marriage to flourish. Here’s one approach that I like that I learned from the late Fr. Michael Scanlan, President of Franciscan University of Steubenville for many years. It’s based on the acronym ACTS. A is for Adoration (giving God glory for who He is). C is for Contrition (for example, being sorry for missing the mark in your marriage). T is for Thanksgiving (being thankful for your wife, even during tough times). S is for Supplication (prayers for your wife, for her needs, her healing, etc.) As you pray through each element, lift up your wife. Say a prayer for your wife right now. If you’re brave, make a firm resolution to pray for her daily. It can be as simple as “Lord, thank you for my precious wife.” But I’ll bet you can do even better than that.

As you probably know, there are seven deadly sins: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth. Are any of them a problem for you? If you’re not sure, ask your wife. She knows. This is what’s sometimes called a “predominant fault,” or area where we experience ongoing struggle. This doesn’t mean you’re a failure – just human. It’s so easy to see other people’s faults, but often harder to see our own. Yet by identifying our most pressing challenge, we can be clear about what’s necessary to overcome it. We often hesitate when it comes to making decisive changes in our lives, but we can’t let our own reluctance keep us in a place of bondage. In order to be the husbands our wives need, it’s imperative that we’re willing to change ourselves. Pray for the grace to identify your issue, and work on it.

Do you have a problem with lust? This is common... and deadly. Too many men today have a problem with pornography, and if that includes you, please get help. Start with sacramental confession, which provides grace to help us make the changes we need. Remember that part of a good confession includes a firm “purpose of amendment” or intention to avoid sin in the future. Think about how to best accomplish that: counseling, support groups, device monitoring? Thankfully, the grace of the sacrament is there to help us make changes, and even our modest efforts are blessed. Confession provides us with the grace to begin again. By committing to work on lust, or any other sin, we’ll grow in virtue, and love for our wives. Commit to always putting God, and your wife, above yourself!

Much to my regret, I have not always spoken to my wife with honor. There have been many slip-ups over the years, and many apologies. I should know better, since I have a fantastic example. My parents have been married for over sixty years. They’re both in their eighties now, and struggling with various ailments. Dad had a stroke a while back that took a toll. But one thing hasn’t changed: he is devoted to my mother, and speaks to her with extraordinary love. He tells me all the time, in front of my mom, how wonderful she is and how blessed they are to be together. My dad’s gift of speaking to my mom with love and affection is just one manifestation of a truly incredible marriage. This isn’t fashionable, but it is absolutely possible. Remember to honor your wife today by speaking to her and about her with honor.

I read an article years ago suggesting that relationships are built up through respect and affection, and torn down by contempt. If, like me, your track record in this area is imperfect, you can change that, beginning today. Our words spring from the heart, so reflect on what’s happening in your interior life. Do you take pains to nurture affection towards your wife, even in the hard times? When Kathi and I have argued, we have come to see that it often results from a loss of perspective. Rather than focusing on the 99% of the person that we love and cherish, we’re instead focused on the 1% that’s harder to appreciate. When you speak with your wife today, build her up with respect and affection. Say please, thank you, and I love you at least once. As needed, tell her that you’re sorry. Repeat as necessary!

Do you want to know one of the most powerful evangelization tools available to men today? Speak positively about your wife at work. Can you imagine? It’s so completely countercultural, it’s shocking. The practice of men objectifying women is pervasive these days, so hearing any man describe his wife in positive terms is bound to raise eyebrows. It also provokes an unavoidable question: Why? Of course, we know why. Matrimony is a sacrament, an outward sign of inward grace that helps us to grow in holiness. It’s our primary vocation, and an indispensable part of our journey to heaven. Our wives are like the crown jewels of our lives. We freely chose to make a lifelong commitment to them, and they are worthy of being treasured. They are truly a source of wealth, joy, and blessings.

Do we speak positively about our wives in the workplace, or do we descend into despondent “ball and chain” narratives full of prideful self-pity? There are many benefits of speaking positively about our wives in the workplace, besides the public witness it provides. It also helps us. Speaking highly of our wives when they’re not around helps the seeds of affection and love to flourish in our hearts. It can be difficult if we’re going through the inevitable challenging times that all marriages face, yet in those circumstances it’s even more important to honor our wives and not allow our frustrations to guide our words. Resolve to make your workplace a wife-honoring zone. Decide today that your words from this time forward, will be positive... or you won’t say anything.

How do you speak about your wife at home? When one of my sons was a teenager, his relationship with Kathi was contentious at times. One night, I came home from work to a heated exchange between them. Kathi was crying, and my son was in a corner scowling. As it turned out, a disrespectful comment by my son to Kathi had rapidly escalated. “Come with me,” I told him. We spoke privately. “Honor mom,” I told him. “That’s your challenge. The circumstances don’t matter. If you think she’s wrong, it doesn’t matter. If you’re angry with her, it doesn’t matter. You still need to honor mom.” By the grace of God, the concept clicked with him. It also helped me to recognize my responsibility to set the right example, and to do my best to always honor my wife in our home. She deserves nothing less.