From time to time, adjustments are needed in the way we communicate with others. I recall a phase a few years back (when all eight of our kids lived at home) when there was a lot of bickering going on among family members. All of us. Verbal jabs, sarcastic comments, and accusations had somehow become routine forms of communication.
But wait, my wife and I thought. We’re a family. We love one another. We can do better than this.
The solution? Every night after dinner, we began to go around the table and each of us would identify at least one thing we were grateful for that day relating to another family member. It could be something they had done, or a character quality we appreciated.
“I’m grateful to Mom for making my favorite dinner tonight.”
“I’m grateful to Christian for being patient with me, and helping me with my homework today.”
“I’m grateful for T.J. having such a terrific sense of humor.”
And on it went.
Although it felt a bit awkward at first, we all improved quickly, especially the younger kids who proved to be gratitude rock stars. Over the course of time, this simple exercise actually helped the culture of our family to become more positive, humble, and mutually supportive.
I was reminded of this exercise the other day. I’ve been busy promoting my new book, How God Hauled Me Kicking and Screaming Into the Catholic Church
So what’s the solution? Obviously, we all can’t just go around the table after dinner. But perhaps a few ground rules could be useful for those of us who would like to see a basic sense of human dignity restored within our culture. I recognize that not everyone strives for that goal, but thankfully many people do. For those who would like to be part of the solution, I humbly offer the following thoughts – recognizing this is far from a comprehensive solution:
- Lead with respect. Even if someone else is a jerk, it’s usually reflective of things going on in their own lives – and there’s a lot of pain in this world that we don’t see at first glance. Giving others the benefit of the doubt up front, rather than responding indignantly, can help us see past the various masks people wear and lead to a more meaningful dialogue.
- Remain humble. This doesn’t come naturally to most of us, myself included, but humility is a key to authenticity and building real relationships with others. It causes us to focus on others more and ourselves less, and we could use a bit of that these days.
- Resist manipulation. We’ve all seen how hyper-sensitivity and outrage have become blunt instruments in the hands of those who seek to manipulate others. This desensitizes us to things we really should be outraged about, and makes for a lot of angry people. Whatever happened to the manipulation-free “I disagree with your beliefs, but will defend to the death your right to believe them” way of thinking?
- Be grateful. Have you ever noticed that when we focus on what we don’t have, it breeds misery, and conversely, appreciating what we do have makes us happy? There are a lot of good people in this world. Personally, I consider my family and friends to be an embarrassment of riches. Maybe we can begin reflecting this by being intentionally grateful towards another person at least once a day?
- As I describe (through many deeply humiliating stories) in my new book, a lot of people put up with me during my teen years to the point of heroic virtue. Can we invest in others, be willing to endure some pain along the way, and hold out hope for all of us, even those who are the most difficult?
You don’t need to go far to find astonishing comments in comboxes and media of all sorts – and our culture follows our communication. If we want things to improve, we need to begin with the only people we can change – ourselves. I actually attempted to follow my own advice with How God Hauled Me Kicking and Screaming Into the Catholic Church
I’m far from perfect, and so is this list, but perhaps we can learn to avoid routinely communicating via verbal jabs, sarcasm, and accusations. Maybe we can do better. I invite you to join me in trying.
Thank you for visiting gratefulconvert.com!
Great article and great idea for families to initiate – even for those who don’t eat together anymore!! Thanks.
Thanks Kathryne! It sure worked well for us…
I learned this through the Ignatian presumption–putting the best interpretation on events in the absence of information, which is most of the time. Hard, hard work but I am astounded at the peace it can bring. And the relationships that are given breathing room to grow because of it.
Thanks Barbara! That is hard, but as you state, well worth the effort.
Practicing the Catholic principle of “charitable interpretation” when it comes to considering and/or responding to the behavior and words of other people is also helpful in developing and maintaining positive human relationships.
Great point, thanks Alan! I agree completely.
Interesting and helpful. Thank you!
You’re welcome James!
All well-written and clinically sound advice …..it’s a well-known theory that someone’s response to anything you say and/or do has more to do with what’s going on in their life, than anything you’ve said or done. Taking the time to stay focused, humble and kind in our interactions with others should eliminate unnecessary drama and misunderstandings.
Thank you once again for wonderful practical ways to practice our faith. God bless
Thanks so much Eileen! Bless you!
Dear Kevin,
Many thanks for this great article.
It’s been noticeable for a few decades now, especially in sit-coms, that trading insults is the rule in conversation, even those that aren’t good-natured. The cleverer, the better, too! The feather in one’s cap is to leave others gobsmacked, unable to think of a killer rejoinder. And personal info isn’t off limits, either… “I was just kidding!” says the comedian afterward, and that’s somehow supposed to instantly excuse his/her insensitivity. If a recipient complains, s/he’s just thin-skinned.
But a steady diet of such converse isn’t healthy, because words really do mean things. I’m reminded of an old children’s rhyme, revisited and revised:
“Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words can break my heart.”
Indeed they can.
Your article gives us great advice on how to do a conversational U-turn into gentler waters, and build each other up, rather than tear someone down, just to show off our verbal dexterity. Starting with our own family is the perfect place to practice, with those dearest to us.
Thank you, Kevin, for your insights and prayerful advice. And your “Kicking and Screaming” is our current Book-of-the-Month.
God’s blessings to you and yours!
Prolifemama
Prolifemama reminded me of a painful incident that happened in my family about 30 years ago. A niece and two nephews whom I dearly love, and to whom I’d been very close (their ‘secondary care-giver’ after their parents) from their birth, were sitting around the table at their grandfather and step-grandmother’s house, exchanging remarks that were typical of them. I thought nothing much of it; clever sarcasm was valued in our family, so it was just background noise.
Visiting at the same time was the step-grandmother’s grand-daughter, around the same age, mid-teens. She was an only child, and so didn’t have the kind of wise-cracking ‘banter’ that can come with siblings. But she had also been raised without television.
I noticed that the child who had not had television spoke gently, kindly and charitably, with no sarcastic edge to her voice, no competitive drive to put others down or score off others, no eye-rolling or lip-curling. And I suddenly realized in a flash that my niece and nephew were talking exactly like the television sit-coms they watched constantly.
It was a perfect – and sobering – example of the old express, ‘Garbage in; garbage out’ – of their mouths.
The idea of going around the table and speaking gratefully about one another is a healing activity. Dr Ray Guarendi did something similar: whenever a child had been unkind to a sibling, the offending child had to write a list of 5 or ten things (depended on the age of the child) that were GOOD about the child who had been offended (and no fair writing, ‘He doesn’t smell quite as bad as really stinky socks’). Having to sit down and think of truly good and valuable things about a sibling, and write them down, and give the list to the sibling is a slowed-down version of recasting a situation or person in the most positive, charitable light, and a great habit to instill in children (and for us adults to instill in ourselves).