Free Rosaries for Everyone!
In fact, the rosary is so cool, I recommend it for everyone. Praying the rosary was a decisive tipping point in my conversion to Catholicism. Some guy named Scott Hahn gave me my first rosary – and get this – it was FREE. Or at least, I didn’t pay for it. Maybe Scott did, I don’t know, and don’t really care. It didn’t cost me a dime.
So here’s an idea. Rosaries are cool, and free rosaries are even better. What if we petitioned the government to buy them for us?
If the government buys them, they’re free, right? Or at least, we wouldn’t have to pay for them. Yes, I know some non-Catholics might find this morally objectionable, but who cares? The government wants Catholics and Catholic organizations to pay for contraceptives, sterilizations and abortion-inducing drugs, this is just a little tit-for-tat action. That happens in politics, doesn’t it? Surely the administration would see this as an opportunity, right?
I thought about this long and hard, and here are just a few reasons why government mandated rosaries would be awesome:
1. They’re for men too. Rosaries are great for everyone! This isn’t just a women’s issue, everyone could rally around the proposal. People love free stuff!
2. Rosary manufacturing would create jobs. We all know voters are focused on the economy. Think of all the jobs this would create for people who have fallen on hard times over the last few years.
3. There are no health risks. I don’t know anyone who has been injured or gotten sick due to praying the rosary. No increased cancer risks, no sexual side effects (well, it could make the latter even better for married folks, I suppose).
4. Funding is easy as pie. Maybe a tax could be levied on contraceptives. Yeah, that would pay for it, no problem.
5. The international community wouldn’t mind. We could even suggest the idea to the U.N. and our allies, and import a certain percentage of our rosaries from developing nations.
6. The proposal would have no impact on gas prices. I doubt rosary making would move the needle much at all. Maybe it would even help, if we all prayed for gas prices to fall.
7. Kathleen Sebelius would get one. But she wouldn’t be required to use it. We would leave that to her conscience.
It’s a pretty good idea, right? If we’re all about equality and tolerance, then the culture of death needs to be balanced out by a bunch of rosary-praying Catholics, and anyone else for that matter. We’re ultra-inclusive, everybody is welcome!
Once people get to know us, the fear of Catholics will inevitably decrease. They’ll understand that we’re not looking to run Cardinal Dolan for President (tempting, but he can’t), that we’re certainly no better than anyone else, and that we’re grateful to be here. We pray for people, we’re against terrorism, and we care about poor people. We makes mistakes, we apologize, and we try to do better.
The problem with our current trajectory is that inevitably, religious freedom – and freedom itself – is attacked. Just look at what’s happening in Canada. If we all had rosaries, and used them, perhaps things would get better. That would provide some real hope and change.